it's true that i burned out halfway through 2020 despite all the time i had on hand, no denying! this is an attempt to roadmap how i want my 2021 to be, despite everything. before i get to that, i'd like to reflect on a few things that happened in 2020, progression or regression.

( 2020 roundup )
( 2021 goals )

listened to the amazing devil's new album: the horror and the wild on bandcamp earlier and Let Me Tell You. every song HITS !! listening to songs while ur reading the lyrics really be giving u that brain damage. i have this auditory processing problem where i just do not comprehend what someone is singing unless i already read the lyrics or i already have it memorized, but even without the lyrics the sound alone of this album. *italian chef's kiss* the lengths of the songs r also heavenly (lol) except for the intro which is only 3 minutes long n contains of singspeaking, which brings me to the point -- let's briefly dissect every song present in this gold of an album

the rockrose and the thistle
and i find you all unwoven / trying desperately to sew
i know the kindest thing / is to leave you alone

i find you with a thimble weeping
and you gently gift it to me / cos you've no clue how to sew
and i know the kindest thing / is to never leave you alone

those r from the first & last verse n good god i just love me some parallels. this whole song gives me a lot of yearning vibes (me tease) but at the same time it is so so present to the object of the singer's affection. like it shows that the singer/narrator wants to take care of their lover, but they dont want to impose & show their care in giving the space their lover needs. that is peak romance i think

the horror and the wild
give me back my heart you wingless thing

from the opening alone with madeleine's yodeling (?) - god im so bad at describing different kinds of singing - i was SOLD. this song is such a masterpiece. cannot believe its like . a real song. joey batey rly sat down n composed this what a big brain he has. please Just listen to it i dont care what u might be doing right now i promise its not as important as listening to this song. their combined voices together n when they started repeating 'remember me' good god. the silences work so well in this song too. loves it

wild blue yonder
for you, my heart was pulled asunder

so hold me, lover, like you used to / so tight i'd bruise you

this song is already so much lighter than the horror and the wild! heart-lightening. the lyrics .. they can be a little horny. as treat. the vocals answering each other is so beautiful in this too ♥︎

welly boots
get drunk for me, sing louder than you've sung for me,
grow young each time that thunder in your lungs begins to rumble at the world

and when you scream i'm not alright / and throw my picture at the wall
'you were supposed to be my light / and keep me safe against them all
how could you leave me here' / you'll scream
and louder, i'll scream back to you from that unknown
and say / i know you’re strong enough to do this on your own

will not lie i cried at this one lol cos i imagined this was my dads pov at me being so angry at his passing from time to time. just. super personal & hits way too close to home

farewell wanderlust
and so long to the person you begged me to be / she's down. she's dead
instead what is left but this old satin dress and the mess that you left when you told me i wasn't right in the head

i promise you i'm not broken / i promise you there's more
more to come, more to reach for, more to hurl at the door

starts off super flirty, then drops lower into something sinister. loved madeleine's way of singing this song the way she does! for a group called the amazing devil, i feel this is the only song thats remotely satanic in a way, lyrics-wise. the instrumental before the last verse is Mindblowing i want 10 hours of that. love it so much though i rly cannot resist anything ominous sounding. maybe my favorite song off the album! as of now!

fair
it's what my heart just yearns to say / in ways that can’t be said
it's what my rotting bones will sing / when the rest of me is dead

and it's this life that we've created, inundated with the fated thought of you

to press my head between your shoulder blades at night when light is fading
just to let you know i'm old, waylaid and feels like i am wading into
carpet burns and carousels oh christ you'll be the death of me

such a romantic song T_T rly sweet. what catches me off guard the most ab folk songs is that the sound is kinda Ancient then boom the lyrics drop a modern reference. its just surprising To Me

the unwanted animal
and you rip my ribcage open / and devour what's truly yours
and our screaming joins in unison / i cry out to the lord

this sonnnngggg! it sounds both eerie & transcendent & religious. the fucking Yodeling man. loves it !!!!!

marbles
your eyes aren't rivers there to weep / but a place for crows to rest their feet
and rest my head at night content / knowing where my marbles went

sounds like a conversation between an old married couple. its cute! another romantic song hehe

battle cries
but that breathing you hear don't mistake it for sighs
don't you realise - they're just battle cries dear

this song makes me want to get off my ass n dance. or if not dance just sit/stand up n get something to do. i looove the answering each other thing they do!!! when they harmonize!!!

all in all: i think this album is worth every minute i spent listening to it. the production of it is also splendid! i cant wait for it to be available on spotify soon - apparently it will be up in a few weeks - so i can add the songs to my playlist *__*

new icon taken out of the goldfinch (2019) because it makes me feel nice even though i have not actually watched the movie dunno if i wanna ruin what i've read with that ~ if it's not already obvious im also slightly erratic right now as im typing.

if u decided on clicking the link to this dw thinking u will be getting writing updates i am so sorry for having disappointed u by losing my shit n going bonkers instead. i am turning this dw into a killing eve scream dump place for the time being cos i cannot believe !! i just cant. this is not a joke this is my life. this is how it feels being unhinged. 

to Actually talk about the subject of this entry. if u have not seen the new promotional video for killing eve right now   this is THE sign: GO WATCH IT NOW. saw someone saying something about the red string theory n if u really know me this is a combination of my interests at once (TGCF SOULMATISM... its CRAZY) n i am losing it !!!! if i dont scream about it somewhere i will Spontaneous Human Combustion. they look so good !! women !! in red !!! whatever symbolism i must be looking over cos i am not good at paying to the details. makes me go hrrRRRrrrrh. i will not beg for hate make out session this season imma ask 11 times n Thats it.  while watching the video i also cant help but think of psycho by red velvet if someone edits ke clips to it. ... haha jk. Unless?

life has been a whirlwind but its now back to usual stagnancy n i do not know how to feel and deal with it or if i want to at all. i almost always live update on my priv twitter which is not healthy n sustainable in any way. because i will go back on it n loathe myself for not having a brake n at least trying to find solution to things i complain about instead of whining about it on the internet. so . i am recovering from whatever it was that made me fall sick so badly Thank Universe. but i dont know how im doing mentally because i am abandoning n repressing it entirely <3 love that for me. im starting to consume media again n that includes reading more books !! (like im not already reading enough atm LOL) n i found a dropbox link to books ive been wanting to read. whoever made it is godsent. 

anywya. this is what i have been up to instead of writing aside from daydreaming of the cottagecore life i deserve to lead as means to avoid thinking of my very real n pressing financial situation aha i call it recuperating the accurate word to say it is procrastinating ! pray by the end of this week i have made some actual writing progress. Amen.